home sweet home

it's just after ten in the morning according to my computer but it still feels like two in the afternoon. have been up since seven, a sure sign that my system is screwed. i am many things, but a morning person is not one of them.

am completely a stranger in my own home. it has only been a month but the objects in my home seem foreign and dulled somehow. i am tempted to get a garbage bag and completely sack the lot of it. it's the colours. my apartment is an art deco place with wood floors and dark wood cabinets, doors and trim. after the airy, luminous colours that were my visual palette for so long i want to let the light in somehow but the overcast sky and the resultant darkness which surrounds me now seems wrong.

i suppose the fact that i left the day after the last day of school didn't help. all of my loot from my students is still sitting in bags and boxes everywhere, still waiting for a home.

felt like a bit of a tourist coming back into toronto yesterday. only a month but the aesthetic of both france and italy were so different that my eyes are still adjusting. crazy. imagine what a year away would do...

now that i am back i have already had niggling feelings of a need to roll up my sleeves and turn my attention back to work. feel the inner pragmatist reaching for the phone to sort out my finances and work out a plan to get myself back in the black before christmas. feel that this next month should be focused on paying for my indulgences with projects that will require my all of my attention. incredible, this guilt. incredible how a place can be so attached to a state of mind. had no idea how much tension was holed up in these walls. it's infected with a years worth of work and worry. have to open up the windows and buy a couple of plants. need to be as kind to my space as i have been to myself of late.

so clear to me now. so much easier to get perspective from a distance. when you are given the opportunity to witness and participate in another way of living life, it makes the life you were living before you stepped out of it for awhile seem so narrowly focused. fine to be inspired about changing your life when reading a novel on a beach without a watch on your arm but the real challenge is to bring those lessons into your alter ego's domain. am hoping that a clear out of all that i do not emotionally connect to in my home anymore will help to sustain this fresh perspective on the sense of self i have cultivated in warmer climes and among scintillating sea/city scapes.

didn't write for the last few days of the trip because i was just too engrossed in the living of it. just wanted to be there. it's funny. looking at my pictures (all 600+ of them!) some of the most treasured moments of my trip are not captured in them. am pleased by this. it means i remembered to be in the moment when it counted. did some participating to balance out the observing. historically i have always been more of an observer than a participant so anytime i see the balance shift a little more toward the centre, i am encouraged...there's hope for me yet!

actually lost weight while i was away if you can believe it! i guess a month without processed food, snacking and walking everywhere works. having no agenda or stress helped too i suppose...

am so grateful. was so consistently blessed with gorgeousness, opportunity, great food and company that i didn't feel worthy of it at a certain point. felt gluttonous and greedy. was ever aware of my good fortune. hope to accept it as a gift rather than fear it as a before to some darker after...old habits die hard...

thanks for listening. hope that if you've been in a place where you feel bound that you were able to escape for awhile with me. am excited to see my city, and my life for that matter, with fresh eyes. hope to continue to regale you with more discoveries of both the strange and the familiar.

redder shade of pale

you will have to forgive me if i dont make much sense. my eyes are red from the saltwater and my skin is tight,am burnt no doubt after a seven hour day at the beach. so odd to describe it that way when said beach is on the mediterranean sea and cliffs like the ones in from here to eternity frame the landscape behind you. have to keep looking up from my chaise (with handy dandy built in visor for the face) to remind myself that this is not ipperwash. i am in another country. not just any country, italy! i am basking on the shores of land that was hard won from the greeks and other invaders over time. opulent summer homes wink at me from above, a little bit worn from the sea air but still proud of their beauty.

since this trip to positano was inspired by my sisters love for it as witnessed in the movie "under the tuscan sun" we had been keeping our eyes open for places that appeared in the film. found marcellos house and the pottery place. small world this.

the beauty here is completely different than that which i witnessed in paris. in paris you are surrounded by beauty, pristinely preserved and maintained. here i am responding to the natural beauty. the opposite face of the beauty coin. can wear this beauty on my skin, can taste it in the tomatoes, the lemons the cheese. something more organic here. guess if the seine were swimmable might be able to get a similar sensation there. the quiet here continues to astound. so calm. couldnt have timed my reading better. eat pray love was perfect for me. connected to idea of living in the moment, being grateful. am trying not to feel guilty about all that i have been able to see and do over the last month. am going to try to enjoy instead of file it somewhere in a "to be paid in kind with ridiculous amount of work and sacrifice in coming months" column of my internal ledger...

went to pompei yesterday. absolutely incredible. i have seen a few ruins in my day but nothing could prepare me for this experience. 2000 year old village life sprang to life in incredibly vivid detail. so genius. my sister and i both marvelled at how such sophistication could precede pioneer times back home. hard to get your head around how you can go from indoor plumbing engineering in ancient times to making a house of interlacing logs.

went to top of mt vesuvius too. very welcoming and lush considering it is a volcano. area around it quite tatty, a lot of garbage, lotsa laundry hanging from worn down buildings...good to get away from glitzy bit to get a broader picture of things.

food so great. am noticing not much garlic or use of parsley here, not too much oil either, is a regional thing i guess. off to rome tomorrow. if heat is anything like pompei well need gallons of water again.

a domani!

viva italia!

could it be more beautiful? i feel as though i am in a film and that the director is going to come by at any moment and tell me to get off the set so that he can film the scene properly.

my sister and i arrived in positano on saturday, spent an entire day at the beach yesterday, floating effortlessly in the crystal clear water, sun on our skin and colourful villa peppering the rocky landscape in front of us. this whole experience has been like inhabiting a postcard. my finger is constantly poised to snap a pic of nearly everything i see in all directions.

despite the initial frenzied car ride from naples airport to positano,( a white knuckled affair where a burly local named gaitano, moustache, red face, muscular squat frame had us careening into one another in the back seat as he hugged corners, cut in between cars and vespas alike, claiming the road and his rightful spot on it) the vibe here is incredibly relaxed. it is clean and quiet. dont know if it is the water on the horizon, the sun the lush flowers and vegetation, dont care really. all i know is that i am breathing deeply and havent looked at my watch in days.

we are staying in a massive apartment (strange story, when we were booking thought was in euro but was in pounds so paid a hefty sum) that has two bathrooms, both with showers and toilets, a kitchen, sink, oven, fridge, table, dishes included! and a living room with a pull out bed. we also have a balcony. this place could sleep two families. love it! so our view is of the bay and of the homes and hotels on the face of a mountainside to our right. at night is is gorgeous, we have even had fire works a couple of times.

food is incredible. best pizza i have ever tasted, the tomatoes so fresh, the basil so sweet...have gone to a different resto each night. are going to pompeii and mt vesuvius tomorrow and then rome on thursday (if the tour fills up, fingers crossed) and capri on sat. beach for the remaining days.

am reading eat, pray , love. perfect companion for this leg of my trip. all about a 34 yr old woman trying to carve out her own place in the world without guilt or shame. trying to learn how to enjoy pleasure guilt free. couldnt be more up my alley. feel so lucky to be here. so overwhelmed by the beauty that i am daily soaking in.

nice to have company again, am smiling more already. italian men (arent many young ones in this resort town) have not been brutish or pushy at all, so nice to have a smile rather than a rude gesture, makes the walking more pleasant. am so happy to be wearing all the summer gear i packed.

thats all for now, back to the internet cafe routine where time is 3 euro a half hour!

a domani!

and now, the end is near...

this is my fourth time in paris and i have been here three weeks now. even still, on this last day paris keeps unveiling more of herself to me and every inch is just as incredible as what came before. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX went on a canal tour today. friends of mine had mentioned that it was one of their favourtie parts of paris and i always looked at them quizically. i thought i had a pretty good handle on most key features but had yet to see them. the scene in amelie where she is skipping stones in the canals and a scene in the movie 2 days in paris also inspired my trip to the waterways. was purely enchanting. classic french songs played sweetly in the background as we went through locks and inside tunnels filled with rainbows (a japanese artists contribution to milennium celebrations that still runs), modern apartment buildings and public spaces dotting the sides of the canals. trees, like palms but with shiny broad leaves stood proudly on the banks. place de la villette was fantastic. huge reservoir with cool modern theatres and dance clubs either side with opportunities to rent kayaks and further along modern stylized bridges, fun parks outside the science centre...a completely different face of paris that i was sure had to be here but had as yet, to witness. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX was a three hour trip. sound of the water and sunshine coupled with the slow pace were just what i wanted. had a great meal, steak in a wine and challot sauce with potatoes cooked with cream and grilled...and then have been packing and cleaning. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXx am off to read for a little while and then try to sleep so i will hear my alarm at 5:45 for tomorrows flight. has been incredible. more than i had ever imagined. will be nice to have some company though. paris is a hard place to be sometimes when you are single and are constantly being moved by your surroundings...

short and sweet

just a couple of lines. didnt do a lot today. started with doing two loads of laundry at the local laundromat. took awhile to suss it all out. two loads of washing and drying cost me a whopping 16 euros, thats 24 dollars! how the hell to people live here...guess i could have crammed more into the washers to get my moneys worth but as it was my clothes came out pretty battered...ah well, so much for eating in a restaurant today! XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX reading a great book called the rotters club by jonathan ebe. simply fantastic. its english and has a wonderful blend of humour and introspection. characters are really unique and likeable. seek it out if you can. dropped off a novel and 3 guidebooks about paris at shakespeare and company today and got 8 euros of store credit. bought irene narimovskys most famous novel. what a coup! it is exactly what i was looking for. she is the author of suite francaise who lived and wrote about the german occupation of paris and who died in auschwitz. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX while near shakespeare and company, on the left bank just across from notre dame near the seine, i went to a favourite little park with a great statue that is encircled by gorgeous, unpretentious flowers. discovered it two trips ago while travelling with my sister. read for a good couple of hours being visited by various birds and listening to the bells of notre dame signal the passing of the time. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX went to a singalong at the swan tonight. great bar where i had my embarassing lullaby of birdland fiasco. people there all remembered me by name. was shocked and touched at the same time. nice to know that the feeling of kinship was mutual. i realize that that is a very anne of green gables word but what can i say, i am tired. chanteuse who led the evening was very spirited and had props to inform and colour her interpretations. was great. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX just one more day. will try to see the canals tomorrow and pay a visit to the luxembourg gardens and read some more. might have a nice meal somewhere. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX a demain.

the view from here

i can recall on one hand the number of times my breath has literally been taken away, watching my first film about the holocaust, seeing the gardens in versailles for the first time, the opera house in prague, watching natalie wood as maria in west side story, and now i can add emerging from the abbey at the top level of mont st michel in france. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX mt st michel is a mountain in the middle of a lake in the northwest of france near avranche, whose tallest point stands 400m high. the idea for its creation came to a priest in a dream. he was visited by saint michael as an angel who told him to build him an abbey. the priest obeyed and after years of work a masterpiece emerged from the rockface. hundreds of bricks placed by hand, winding pathways and small cottages lining the way up. it was originally inhabited by some benedictine monks who cloistered themselves there, translating scripture. it soon became a sight of pilgrimage for catholics from around the world, eager to have their souls cleansed by st michel before judgement day in heaven. apparently people would wait weeks outside, some drowning on their way from shore when the tides came in unexpectedly. even today we saw a group of pilgrims marching across the bottom of the barren lake at low tide. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX from a distance it appears to be a disney like concoction of a castle, mysterious and monolithic sitting proudly in the middle of an otherwise entirely flat landscape in all directions. you can see how in the middle ages it would have seemed like an oasis of sorts, a truly mystical place. the architecture was completed over a long period so both roman and gothic styles can be found. they actually invented the vaulted ceilings and technique of using buttresses that the gothic style is famous for. apparently they were boat builders and just borrowed the structure they would have used for the bottom of a boat as a guide. because it is a unesco protected site it is incredibly well maintained, the granite gleaming and airy. the result is that you feel opened by the space rather than dwarfed or oppressed by it as you do in other castles from the same era. it was untouched during the hundred years war and was used as a prison in the eighteenth century by napoleon. these two factors saw fortification walls and watchtowers erected, changing the aesthetic once again. now, some monks and nuns help maintain the grounds and worship there. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX the abbey itself is unadorned, sparse, the colour from the once stained glass, faded. its freeing to be rid of the copious ornamentation i have seen in most other churches in the centre of paris. so much of what i have studied is more tangible now. can see how wealth invested in churches to glorify the patron would have outraged the poor whose stomachs rumbled from hunger as they attended mass. can see how the churches were also meeting places for business, cultural events, that the more ornate are clear signs of a time when church and state were intimately intertwined.XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX the view from the terrace just outside of the abbey is what took my breath away, immediately the universe opens up to you, there is nothing but sky in all directions, the wind, moist, is scented with sea water that awakens your senses, in every direction a new landscape reveals itself to you. to the north a sea bed with a small island, to the east marshy ground a million shades of green and farmland and fields dotted with trees, to the south and east sand, and more sand blendly seemlessly with the water just beyond. its so pure, so untainted by mans clumsy fingerprints that you immediately understand what it means to be at peace. so incredible, really, its immediately comforting, relaxing, pleasing.XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX was four and a half hour drive both ways so am very sleepy but very satisfied. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX went to musee de carnavalat yesterday. was free for all citizens and tourists. great exhibition of history of france from gauls to modern day. artifacts from french revolution and reign of terror were amazing. saw paintings of marie antoinette and louis the sixteenth being beheaded to cheering crowds, saw uniforms of soldiers, saw medals soldiers, jacobins, wore, saw the famous red touques , read a hand painted version of the declaration of the rights of man, the constitution drawn up in the badminton court at versailles during the revolution. so much blood spilled for years. was interesting to see paintings of the construction of the louvre, new bridges, the tuileries etc. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX cant believe its almost over, just two more days before i am off to italy (and less computer access). bonne nuit.

the view from here

i can recall on one hand the number of times my breath has literally been taken away, watching my first film about the holocaust, seeing the gardens in versailles for the first time, the opera house in prague, watching natalie wood as maria in west side story, and now i can add emerging from the abbey at the top level of mont st michel in france. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX mt st michel is a mountain in the middle of a lake in the northwest of france near avranche, whose tallest point stands 400m high. the idea for its creation came to a priest in a dream. he was visited by saint michael as an angel who told him to build him an abbey. the priest obeyed and after years of work a masterpiece emerged from the rockface. hundreds of bricks placed by hand, winding pathways and small cottages lining the way up. it was originally inhabited by some benedictine monks who cloistered themselves there, translating scripture. it soon became a sight of pilgrimage for catholics from around the world, eager to have their souls cleansed by st michel before judgement day in heaven. apparently people would wait weeks outside, some drowning on their way from shore when the tides came in unexpectedly. even today we saw a group of pilgrims marching across the bottom of the barren lake at low tide. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX from a distance it appears to be a disney like concoction of a castle, mysterious and monolithic sitting proudly in the middle of an otherwise entirely flat landscape in all directions. you can see how in the middle ages it would have seemed like an oasis of sorts, a truly mystical place. the architecture was completed over a long period so both roman and gothic styles can be found. they actually invented the vaulted ceilings and technique of using buttresses that the gothic style is famous for. apparently they were boat builders and just borrowed the structure they would have used for the bottom of a boat as a guide. because it is a unesco protected site it is incredibly well maintained, the granite gleaming and airy. the result is that you feel opened by the space rather than dwarfed or oppressed by it as you do in other castles from the same era. it was untouched during the hundred years war and was used as a prison in the eighteenth century by napoleon. these two factors saw fortification walls and watchtowers erected, changing the aesthetic once again. now, some monks and nuns help maintain the grounds and worship there. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX the abbey itself is unadorned, sparse, the colour from the once stained glass, faded. its freeing to be rid of the copious ornamentation i have seen in most other churches in the centre of paris. so much of what i have studied is more tangible now. can see how wealth invested in churches to glorify the patron would have outraged the poor whose stomachs rumbled from hunger as they attended mass. can see how the churches were also meeting places for business, cultural events, that the more ornate are clear signs of a time when church and state were intimately intertwined.XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX the view from the terrace just outside of the abbey is what took my breath away, immediately the universe opens up to you, there is nothing but sky in all directions, the wind, moist, is scented with sea water that awakens your senses, in every direction a new landscape reveals itself to you. to the north a sea bed with a small island, to the east marshy ground a million shades of green and farmland and fields dotted with trees, to the south and east sand, and more sand blendly seemlessly with the water just beyond. its so pure, so untainted by mans clumsy fingerprints that you immediately understand what it means to be at peace. so incredible, really, its immediately comforting, relaxing, pleasing.XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX was four and a half hour drive both ways so am very sleepy but very satisfied. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX went to musee de carnavalat yesterday. was free for all citizens and tourists. great exhibition of history of france from gauls to modern day. artifacts from french revolution and reign of terror were amazing. saw paintings of marie antoinette and louis the sixteenth being beheaded to cheering crowds, saw uniforms of soldiers, saw medals soldiers, jacobins, wore, saw the famous red touques , read a hand painted version of the declaration of the rights of man, the constitution drawn up in the badminton court at versailles during the revolution. so much blood spilled for years. was interesting to see paintings of the construction of the louvre, new bridges, the tuileries etc. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX cant believe its almost over, just two more days before i am off to italy (and less computer access). bonne nuit.