whoa, netti!

two months worth of allergens in the air got together last night and decided to whoop my ass.

i woke up unable to breathe through one nostril and was sweating despite sleeping directly under a fan.

the familiar sore throat and tight sinuses told me that the bullet i had been miraculously dodging finally hit its mark.

sadly familiar with the discomfort i reached for my claritin (somewhat warily, i had a red and a blue box, both opened in my medicine cabinet and one of them gives me heart palpitations, which one? i had to ask myself at 6:34 this morning). tiny little pill dissolved, (i chose the blue, correctly, thank god!) i made a mental note to try and kick this thing's ass with whatever means possible.

enter the netti pot.

a few weeks ago my sister and i were watching an episode of Oprah with her new doctor friend and he recommended it as a tool to help relieve sinus tension related to allergies. it is a ceramic gnome sized watering can of sorts that you fill with warm water and salt and shove up your nostril.

that's right, you shove the spout of this pot into your nostril "creating a seal" according to the yoga inspired instructions, tilt your head "so that your forehead is in line with your chin" and wait for the solution to fill your nasal cavity, circulate and escape through the other nostril.

the idea of pouring a full cup of salted water into my nostril gave me visions of potential complications where a mishap in my specific circumstance would cause the water to remain in the cavity for the rest of my days, rattling and sloshing every time i tilted my head. nevertheless, visions of spending the first two weeks of my vacation in paris with a kleenex permanently daubing my red and bulbous- from overblowing- nose, led me to soldier on and make my way to the health food supplier on the corner.

typically, i try to avoid these places. the smell of bulk curry powder permeates everything and the dried fruit looks sad and pathetic. as an aesthetic creature, i appreciate the efforts of fake food producers whose aim it is to make a tomato look red carpet fabulous and appetizing.

as i made my way through rows of herbal remedies and homemade waxy lip balm, i was approached by a sales clerk who read my disconnect with the natural world like a tabloid at a checkout counter. he handed me my wonder pot and i was on my way.

i practise yoga occasionally as a way to come down from the day. i genuinely enjoy the opportunity to breathe deeply and have done the whole alternate nostril breathing thing in class. it was with reassurance then, that i read about the yogic connection of the use of the netti pot and its role in the purification of the body. "many choose to use the netti pot to flush the nasal cavity as a part of their daily practice" chimed the instructional guide. ok, if people do this every day then surely a trial run won't kill me, i thought.

as i bravely and confidently inserted the spout in my nostril, tilting my head like the smiling woman in the diagram, all went well, for awhile. after about ten seconds and a successful outpouring of fluid from my other nostril i must have tilted the pot too high because the solution was starting to pour into my throat, it was like swallowing ocean water, and i had a moment of feeling as though i were underwater.

still i was determined. i did the other nostril and felt relief of pressure from my sinuses. i've done it! i thought.

fast forward two hours. my nose is completely stuffed, i'm burning up and i can only breathe out of my mouth.

i want to cry. why now? doesn't my nose know that i have to compensate for a less than summer ready body with a sunny facial disposition and a phlegm free voice?

am going to give it another try tomorrow, and every day after that if it kills me.

guess this could be karma for criticizing those sportscasters, haven't seen lance brown in a couple of days...

wish me luck!