and so, just as the wafer thin morsel drove the gluttonous mans stomach to explode in monty pythons meaning of life, so too did my desire to have just one more song prove to be my undoing.XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX went to another jazz jam tonight. was truly on the fence all day. my hair looked like crap and i was having shoe dilemmas, all signs that i should have left well enough alone, but alas...went out to a place called the swan in the montparnasse area. have never really ventured out that way before. huge boulevards and great restaurants, very lived in kind of feel. when i arrived i was the only person there besides the bartender, the owner a singer and a pianist. thought that she was going to be the animatrice for the evening but it turns out that it was her gig and i had misread the time of the jam by 2 hours. i was a half an hour late as it was so that made an hour and a half of time to kill. all signs were telling me to just pack it up and go home but something in me stayed. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX i chatted with the bartender a bit. her accent was a bit anglosized but i couldnt quite catch the origin. she had a pixie punk hairdo and a silver starburst painted on her right cheek near her eye, late twenties, early thirties. the owner, a pushy jewish american expat with a mel lastman like hair piece and an old suit was ordering the bartender to make him a new drink he had read about whose main ingredient was a bubblegum flavoured liquer. she rolled her eyes at him but obliged in a way that said she had been there awhile. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX the singer had a great tone, didnt take a lot of risks vocally but chose tunes that sat nicely in her range. after having listened to my exchanges with the bartender the owner turned to me and asked if i spoke english (little bit of a crush to my french abilities but my accent and phraseology really does suck when i am tired, its plodding and flat) he said that everyone there was english so why not just switch and be comfortable. turns out the bartender was from scotland but had been in paris for thirteen years. she is a painter and a drummer and has aspirations to sing but hasnt worked up the courage. i heard her singing along with the vocalist and she had a great voice. i encouraged her to take the plunge. little did i know that i was going to end up epitomizing all of the things she feared would happen to her on stage... XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXx lyon, the owner said that he taught at the university for years. political science and american history. just bought the bar a couple of years ago. was very dynamic, shook hands with everyone who came in the door, a more polished version of ben stillers dad. he said he was concerned about the direction that politics in the states are leaning. we chatted about michael moore and afghanistan a bit. so interesting when you peel back the layers... XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX when the jam session musicians arrived they introduced themselves and made me feel very welcome. i was practically one of the family at this point, no other patrons yet...the pianist was a more latin, hefty looking robert de niro, prominent mole on the cheek and all. was a sparse, classical player that was pretty structured in his approach. bass player had a ponytail, an electric stand up bass that he had tailor made. as more people arrived i was the first to sing. sang im a fool to want you. no diversions this time so went over very well. felt comfortable and got some good feedback. the other people there were pretty inexperienced with a couple of exceptions. so great that people take risks in such unfamiliar territory. it would be like me stepping up to pitch a game of baseball! XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX was impressed by the way everyone sang in english. songs sounded so cute with the french accent at times. was a young girl with a great spirit and good ear. couple of other girls there travelling together that were in some kind of vocal jazz collective, had pretty solid stuff. because there were so few of us, we got to do another tune. again, i was first on the roster, did lullaby of birdland. piano player was a bit anxious about playing it in my key so i offered to do it in another that would be more simple for him. yes, for him. for me...not so much. i had a rough start but found my groove and although i was singing in my boots i got through the first run alright. because the others were finding their way as well, they were reluctant to solo, feeling the tune sag i came back in , a little to early for the chorus to pick things up again, scatted my way in atrociously and ended in the most random, bizarre, god awful way possible, i was dying. it was like watching a train wreck and i because of the odd key i had no vocal ideas to get myself out of it. blech. the thought of it makes me cringe. still, people clapped politely. my prior reputation tarnished significantly. even the inexperienced ones had to be kind with their applause. did i not say that fate would intervene and kick me in the ass if i got greedy...XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXso funny, was the second time today that i was humbled. went to the virgin superstore on the champs elysées and bought the new amy winehouse cd and the madelaine peyroux. when i put on the winehouse i literally lost my breath. this chick kicks butt. just when i was thinking that i could make a go of it myself and that i was making real strides as a performer...am loving the feist cd as well. listen to it at least twice daily. the songwriting is sublime. feel pretty cut down. reality checks, though useful and grounding make you incur a few scrapes along the way. am going to try not to abandon my own efforts to create and to carve my own space but will likely not sing here as a soloist again before i go. (i was invited to a sing along at the swan next thursday where everyone gets lyrics to common arias and folk tunes and sings the night away, love it!)XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX cant get over the warm reception i have been getting from the musical community here. dont feel awkard or out of place at all. wonder if i would be as open if the shoe was on the other foot...XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX read a good chunk of the novel suite francaises today. its incredible. was written by a well known parisien writer in the early 1940s during the war. existed in the form of two different stories in unedited manuscript form. the author was jewish and captured and sent to auschwitz and died there before it could be published. a woman found the manuscript, edited it and translated it and kept her observations alive. so incredible...the urgency to write about our experience seems intrinsic.XXXXXXXXXX a demain.