unfortunately, this is an annual occurrence which wreaks havoc during an otherwise enjoyable time of year. it's incredible to watch the dynamic between "the threatened" and the secure, between the admin and the underlings. no gesture goes unanalyzed, no loophole for self-preservation unexplored.
fear's a pretty powerful emotion. given the amount of time you spend at work, any time that the nature of what will be coming across your desk changes, a Darwinian kind of lens starts to filter everything around you. Suddenly, you find yourself on the defensive, quietly composing a list of why the work you've done is much more in keeping with the goals of the organization, how you've gone above and beyond the drivel joe flunky (your colleague who at any other time of the year would be your best friend) produces on his best day.
while i am in the clear this time round, i remember all too well the way that the options being presented to me seemed surreal, completely separate from anything that i would have chosen for myself or from anything that anyone who had bothered to take the time to look at my past work, would suggest for me. it's the impersonalization of something very personal, at least in my field, that threw me. it was impossible not to take the suggestion of making a move that was totally unrelated to my personal goals as anything less than personal. while it all really boiled down to financial purse tightening and factors that were procedural, not personal, i still felt like a stranger in my own home.
i also remember, not too proudly, that the situation brought out a ruthless side to me where i felt like a lioness protecting her cubs. i wanted what i felt was mine and hated not having a say in the course of my own fate.
it's times like these when i wish i was one of those diplomatic types who accepts the situation and gracefully manoeuvres themselves through it, head held high and cattiness curtailed. maybe one day. need a few more role models!
